


The Art Of Racing in the Rain

by DramaGeek



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, M/M, Romance, Vietnam War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 05:59:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2762243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaGeek/pseuds/DramaGeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The truth about war is that it changes people. It changed Kai from a eager teenager to a serious, grieving man and it changed me too - into a violent one."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art Of Racing in the Rain

**_The Art of Racing in the Rain_ **

****

_The rain was quite unexpected._

_It seemed like heaven itself was crying, damning all of us soldiers that were following orders that were never supposed to have been uttered. It drenched my uniform, making every step heavier and slower, blurring my vision of everything around me – the row of dead bodies, the tired soldiers and the frightened faces of the Vietnamese that were spared from our fire squad._

_Tâi Vinh Village was destroyed. The thatched-roof homes were burned to the ground, the shrines wrecked – with pictures of ancestors lying on the ground, the dried rice spilled from their containers, useless for consummation now. And the people… Crying, screaming and sobbing, swearing at the ‘South Korean pigs’ that had come from hell and ruined them._

_And amid it all, I saw her. Quiet – not a single tear on her eyes – and staring right at me. Beside her, an old woman and a little boy cried for a bloodied dead man, but she just stared with her dark, dark eyes._

_I could not say how long I stopped my slow march back to the camp and stayed rooted in the same place by her gaze. A strange, mysterious thing was happening between me and this sad eyed girl._

 

The wretched thing about war is that it changes people. A man who was considered very brave on his homeland may be rendered a coward on the battlefield, while someone who was thought of as cheater turns himself into a great soldier. And while war changes all of the people who participate in it, I can’t really see _how_ exactly it changed me.

But maybe that is because I’m always so worried looking out for Kai.

Back in Seoul one would never guess that I would be the one who would need to take care of him. Kai is, or better yet, _was_ the most courageous between both of us – the one who would get himself into trouble because of sports or girls, the only one with enough guts to confront his grandfather when the old man was wrong and the one man that every single factory wanted as a worker because of his personality.

War has changed him, too. Changed him more than anyone else I have ever seen.

“I’m cold.” Kai whispers at me, shaking beneath his thin army standard blanket. I touch his forehead to see if he is running a fever. He smiles lightly. “You act like my mother sometimes, Sehun.”

My smile is brittle. He has no fever, but for days now he has had trouble sleeping, shaking in the dark. I cover him with my own blanket, shaking my head when he starts to protest. He sighs and accepts my offer – there is not much fight in him these days. He covers himself, but the shaking doesn’t stop.

“You would probably be dead, if it wasn’t for me. So don’t mock me, you ass.” With a low chuckle, Kai closes his eyes and snuggles a little closer to me and my own mat. My heart tightens with longing but as always I let him make his own choices. So I hold my breath and when he finally slides into my mat, I embrace him.

He is now shaking within my arms and I squeeze him a bit more, trying to take away his shock, making him relaxed – at least for a while, before we have to get up and kill again. Not for the first time I think that Kai was not made for killing and violence and I might have been, as strange as it may seem.

“I don’t think I will be able to sleep tonight. Too many nightmares.” Kai says like he is confessing a terrible sin, like the fact that he can still be sensitive enough to feel guilt at what he is ordered to do is unforgivable. It just makes me love him more, so I hold him even tighter.

“You are probably dreaming of marrying that hag that your grandfather has chosen for you.  God knows that if I were surviving a war just to go home and marry an ill smelling girl I would be having bad dreams too.”

Kai laughs and his shaking slows a bit. My heart clenches again and I smile over his head and into the dark. I’m always amazed at the effect Kai’s simplest acts have on me. If it was about anyone else, I would be ashamed of being so moved by a single laugh, but with Kai is different – has always been different.

And while in Korea I would never have dared to hope that we could have anything happen between the two of us, I have started to realize that here in Vietnam, in this terrible war, everything is possible. There is no one who would judge two good friends giving comfort to each other and Kai inhibitions seem to disappear when he needs to be comforted after killing.

I feel his breath slowing with sleep and stealthily kiss his hair. I’m not secure enough to do this while he is awake, but by the way things are going there is much more killing ahead for both of us and as we always end up in the same position afterwards, the day will came that I will be able to kiss and hold him just because I want to - with his agreement.   

 

    _I don’t know why I choose to come back to Tâi Vinh Village. I feel itchy in my uniform, like if it was stuck to my skin and it certainly doesn’t help in making the people glad to see me, besides I can’t bear to look at all the burnt houses or the mass grave that has been dug to bury all the offensive victims._

_The bag of food I stole from the camp seems heavy on my hands and much too little to atone for all the sins I have committed against the villagers. Although I know that they must be hungry – one of the General’s orders was to burn their rice and their plantations – I’m sure that none would accept my offering._

_And still my feet refuse to go back to the camp. It is getting late – Sehun will certainly worry (he has been nagging me nonstop since the offensive), but I can’t leave. I don’t know what I’m waiting for or why I’m staring bellow every hat as if looking for someone. Until I find her. And suddenly I know why I have come._

_I recognize her by the eyes. She is helping a young boy carry plantation tools, but stops when she sees me. She stares confused by my presence in her village and a touch of fear begins to spread within her gaze. The boy – I begin to remember I have seen him with her once before when they were crying for their dead – starts to tremble and some of their tools are dropped from their hold._

_I long to reassure her, but don’t really know what to say. I don’t think she would even understand me if I did – she can’t speak Korean and my knowledge of Vietnamese is passable at best. My hands squeeze the bag tighter. I can’t believe I’m this nervous for some girl that probably is deathly afraid of me._

_“Friend. Food…” I whisper the Vietnamese words and then realize she can’t quite hear me because of the distance. She frowns and puts her tools on the ground. The boy begs and holds onto her pants, but with a shake of her head, she pushes his hand away and takes measured steps towards me._

_When she stops in front of me, gazing curiously at the bag, I gulp. She is thinner than any other girl I have ever seen – as if she didn’t eat enough to stay alive – and suddenly I want not only to give her my bag of food, but to feed her all the food in the camp as well._

_“Food. You.” I try again, shoving the bag into her hands. Her eyebrows rise with surprise, but she holds the bag and delicately smells it. The scent must be pleasing to her, because after some consideration she calls for the boy and hands the food to him. After they exchange some words he nods at me with a new light in his eyes and runs away with the bag._

_I bite my lip and gather courage to speak again, but she beats me to the punch. I can’t make out everything she says, but her expression tells me she is asking me why I’m doing it – Why in God’s name I would help the same people that I tried to kill some days before. Since I have been asking myself the same question for some time now and still haven’t find a suitable answer, I ask her a question of my own._

_“Name, you?”_

_She doesn’t answer, just stares at me with unreadable eyes. My heart flutters and I’m feeling like some pathetic twelve-year-old boy with a crush when her expression starts to change. It happens very slowly as if she was testing the waters, but the corner of her lips start to twitch and soon she is smiling._

_It’s not as big as the ones the girls back home have, but it seems to brighten her whole face and makes my heart beat with a rhythm of its own. With a shake of her head – probably trying to make sense of the strange Korean soldier – she laughs a little._

_“Ho Thi Cham.”_

“You are damn luck to have me. You would be so hungry right now if I hadn’t saved you something.” I comment while Kai munches on what it passes as food in this place. Today we are having something that is supposed to be kimchi, but taste like dirt. Then again, pretty much every single army food tastes like dirt. “Where were you anyway?”

 Kai’s cheeks turn red and I do a double take. The vision makes me want to hold him close, but I just keep eating. Kai seems to just accept my touches in the dead of the night, after being plagued by nightmares. Besides, there are other soldiers near us and they could see.

 “Just… Thinking.” Kai is still blushing and starts to avoid my gaze, eating faster as if to escape my interrogation. I smile into my plate because I know that Kai would prefer to die before admitting in broad daylight that he was getting some shut eye after another of his’ sleepless nights.

“You have certainly been thinking a lot these days - it’s almost impossible to find you during rest hours. You even lost the ‘Great Hunt for The Food Stealer’. The General is mighty pissed - apparently someone has been stealing our food for four weeks now and the dumb cook just realized this morning.”

Kai grunts and keeps eating, pretending disinterest at my chosen subject. But I can read him like an open book and I know very well he is listening. Stories like this always appealed to him. I decide to embellish it a bit.

  “They are saying it’s a spy among us – robbing our food to give to the Vietcongs. Personally I don’t see what the big deal is. They will probably die by eating this grub and make our job easier, don’t you think?”

I laugh a little, but Kai is now staring at me with a very serious expression on his face. He glances at the others near us and after making sure that there are no eavesdroppers, slides close to me and whispers.

“Maybe he is not stealing for the enemy. Maybe he is just trying to help, you know? There are innocent people in Vietnam who are starving because of this damn war.”

I shush him quickly. I know he is feeling guilty and everything, but if someone catches him speaking like that he could be in big trouble – it doesn’t take much for a soldier to be labeled a traitor these days.

“Are you out of your mind? Stop that pity talk and get back to your senses. We are at war – people are supposed to die. You just have to make sure that you won’t, that’s all. These Vietnamese are already doomed.”

Kai slaps my hand from his lips and stomps away, gathering a few looks from the soldiers nearby. With a sigh, I do some damage control by cracking a joke about men and the impeding need to use the bathroom after the terrible army food. They chuckle and go back to eating their meal.

God only knows what would happen to Kai if he didn’t have me to take care of him – he would probably be already dead.

 

_The first few times that I come around and give food to Cham it’s very awkward._

_I don’t know what to say or do and it seems like I’m just doing it for pity – when truly that is the farthest thing from my mind. Pity couldn’t make my hands sweaty and my heart pound a mile a minute. Pity is definitely not the reason that I think she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, even with all the suffering lines on her face._

_Our relationship changes slowly, one step at a time. First she starts to talk to me more, to smile more. I begin putting flowers in the bag of food I offer to her. She presents me with her deceased father’s old clothes to wear, so that no one can recognize me when I come to the village. And one day, in a blast of courage, I take her hand. I expect her to slap me or to scream about the Korean soldier who was trying to molest her. But she just smiles and blushes. Three days after I kiss her lightly to discover she tastes like honey._

_I don’t understand why she is fine with this new thing between us or when I changed from an enemy to a loved one. I wish I had words to express myself with, but I only know some Vietnamese. Besides I don’t think I would dare ask her even if I knew more. I’m so afraid of her answer that sometimes I can’t sleep._

_Is she only accepting me because of gratitude?_

_Because in times of war one must do whatever it can to stay alive?_

_These questions go round and round in my head, but I pretend they don’t exist and just keep stealing more and more food for her – in the hope that she becomes chubbier, that her shrunken look disappears. But no matter how much food I smuggle, Cham is still as thin as ever. And since the cook discovered that someone was robbing the pantry, I start to only bring a part of my own share._

_In some ways it’s harder, because Sehun is always looking out for me and it’s difficult to hide my food during lunch time under his gaze. Also, Cham keeps on giving the small portion of food I bring to other people, which makes me mad - although I will never tell her that. It sounds horrible, but the food is for her. I sympathize with the other villagers, but I want **Cham** to have a good life - I want to see **her** getting chubbier and healthier. _

_I want **her** to survive this fucking war. _

_So I try to feed her when we are alone. Usually she takes her brother with her when we meet, but often he will run around and play while we sit on the riverbank or lay down at the fields, leaving us somewhat unseen. Between hurried kisses, I give her some dried grapes or a piece of bread that I keep in my pockets just for her and make sure **she** is the one who eats it. She used to refuse at first, but after staring at my expression the first time I did it, she eats it now with a smile and blushing cheeks._

_For some reason this village girl who doesn’t even speak Korean understands and accepts me better than anyone else in the world, including myself._

“Fuck, Kai -you really have to shape up. What is the matter with you? You were terrible at the training today.”

Kai shakes his head at me and slaps my hand away from his shoulder, pacing the tiny spaces between our mats. There are two red spots of color in his cheeks and he is trembling with anger, gazing at me with disdain.

“The captain told us to imagine innocent people while we shot! How could _you_ do it so calmly, Sehun?”

“That’s easy; knowing that if they were really there they would kill us without thinking twice!” I say and clench my hands to control the urge to punch him. Does he really think that I want to go out and kill people just for the fun of it? “When are you going to put into that head of yours that the Vietnamese are helping the Vietcongs to hide and to plan an attack against us?”

“They are innocent!” Kai screams. Quickly I slip my hand to shut his mouth up. Who knows who may listen to what he is saying? But with a grunt, Kai slaps my hand away. “They are just living their lives the best they can. Planning an attack? That’s a joke! Come on – most of them have never left their tiny Villages, how would they be capable of attacking us? It is just excuses, Sehun! They are training us to kill innocent men!”   

I run my fingers through my hair in an effort to calm myself. I can’t believe that Kai (who was always the first one to throw punches back home without talking first) is having a fucking conscience crisis in a war – where hesitation could cost his damn life!

“Then you try, Kai. Next time you are in doubt if those freaking Vietnamese are really hiding the enemy – you try and ask them. You are going to be dead before you know it.”

We reach an impasse and just stare at each other. I wish I could tell him that I can’t worry about anyone else in this damn war, except me or him. I can’t or it would make me crazy and – between the two of us - someone must be levelheaded about this or risk going back to Korea in coffins. Since Kai is becoming every day more unstable, the task is up to me.

“War is wicked, Kai. You can’t save these people, I already told you. Try to save yourself and that is enough. If you don’t stop speaking this kind of thing someone besides me is going to hear and you be considered a traitor. Is that what you want?”

Kai blinks and relax from his defensive pose. He stares at me and smiles tiredly.

“War really changed you, mate. I guess I just realized it. Don’t worry. I won’t talk about these kinds of things – as you say – to _anyone_ again. There is no point.”

And he leaves, hunched and defeated. It’s so very tempting to run after him and apologize that my feet start moving on their own until I rein them in. I hate to be the one to ruin Kai’s dreams and illusions, but I will do whatever it takes to take him back to Korea alive.

At night, when I come back from dinner, Kai’s mat is no longer next to mine. He moved it to the next row so that now we have ten smelly men between us. It takes me a long time to fall asleep and I have a restless night, always wondering if Kai was maybe having a nightmare or needing comforting.

It’s the loneliest night that I ever had in Vietnam.

 

_Cham’s whole world is Tâi Vinh Village. She has never been anywhere else and doesn’t seem eager to meet new places. For me – who have always dreamed in seeing the world (one of the reasons I enlisted in the army, even before it became mandatory for all men to come and fight in Vietnam) – it is amazing that someone could be so content in a tiny piece of land in the middle of nowhere. It makes me even guiltier that I helped in ruining it._

_Now, whenever I come around she is always smiling – almost as if she has forgotten the offensive that happened five weeks ago and my participation in it. Her brother also seems to not understand that I probably killed many of his friends, because he laughs with me and asks me to play games. The other villagers, however, don’t seem that keen in seeing me there, but at least they have acknowledged the fact that I don’t mean to hurt any of them._

_Today, Cham takes me to her house for the first time. I know it is a special moment by the way she holds my hand tightly and blushes all the while. I’m guessing this is a kind of rite of passage for our relationship – something like being introduced to your girlfriend’s family back home._

_Even though I know that, like Cham, her mother is a simple villager and probably would be astounded to learn that my family has a stable century-old soju business back in Seoul (I’m probably the best catch that Cham would ever be able to get – as my grandmother would say), I’m the most nervous that I have ever been in my life._

_I try to slip my hand from hers – it is extremely sweaty, after all, but she just smiles and holds it tighter. It feels like she is guarding me and I smile a little when I realize that it actually makes me feel safer, something that nothing has managed yet since I came to Vietnam._

_Her mother is old and wrinkled. Cham’s eyes came from her – like her daughter, she stares at me for a long time, before nodding and asking me to sit by her. I feel like I’m being evaluated and not found wanting, and ask myself again why Cham and her family do not blame me for the offensive that killed her father._

_Cham’s mother talks and talks – words that I barely understand, but by the way she gesture between me and Cham I know she is talking about us. So I just nod and drop my head embarrassed. Cham is as red as a tomato and I squeeze her hand._

_Upon seeing that we are holding hands, Cham’s mother smiles. She asks Cham to get something out of a battered suitcase and Cham blushes even harder. It is a red embroidered dress – old, but not less beautiful because of it._

_It sparks something in my memory – it was my first day in Vietnam when I saw a couple getting married. The woman was wearing a dress like this one. And suddenly I know that this is Cham’s future wedding dress and that what her mother is really asking is if I will take care of Cham – for better or worse._

_It’s my last chance to return to the life I knew before this village girl gazed upon me with her dark eyes._

_For a moment, I think that I can run and be back in the camp with Sehun in just a couple of minutes and forget that anything ever happened between me and this Vietnamese girl. Our life will certainly be hard – my grandparents won’t accept a foreigner as a granddaughter-in-law. And will Cham even adapt to life in Korea when Tâi Vinh is all she knows?_

_But instead of turning and running back to Sehun and the life everybody expected me to lead (survive the war and marry the Korean girl that my grandfather chose for me) I smile at the torn dress. The dress **my bride** will wear when I vow to be with her – until death do us part. _

_“Yes. You dress tomorrow. I back for that.” I say in my broken Vietnamese, staring at Cham’s glowing face._

Back home Kai was the most rambunctious teenager that anyone could be. He was always getting himself into trouble – and pulling me along with him. No one would guess that he was an orphan living with his grandparents by the way he acted.

I still don’t know how we became such close friends – me, the shy, weak kid and him the beloved boy of the neighborhood. One day I was being chased by bullies and he fought with then, the nextdaywe were inseparable. It seems amazing that our friendship has ended because of some Vietnamese people we don’t even know. Sometimes, when we pass through rice fields and I see them planting bellow that freaking hat, I want to hit something or to scream.

Of all the reasons that I ever imagined our bond to end – me telling about my feelings and his rejection being the main one – I never considered that it would end because he was sorry for the enemy. It makes me want to laugh. Sometimes I do, it seems better than to cry.

He never moved back his mat next to mine. He makes sure to sit in separable tables during meal times and to stay in separate groups during training. At least he seems to have listened to what I said; he is shooting all the targets now, even when the general asks that we think of them as Vietnamese people. His expression of anger is becoming legendary among the soldiers when he does it too – the general himself looks very pleased with Kai’s efforts. Maybe he is thinking of me when he shots the heads of the scarecrows.

The General keeps talking to us after the training – rounding us up for the next offensive. I’m worried about Kai: he is going to have to kill again and I’m not close to offer comfort this time. I wonder what he is going to do afterwards. But then, this might be just what we need to rekindle our friendship.

“We have inside information that the villagers of Tâi Vinh are hiding over ten Vietcongs in their houses. Damn, those Vietnamese - they don’t seem to learn. We will be making another attack in two days’ time. I want all of you in top shape. We will get those bastards one way or another. Remember, the army of South Korea has no mercy upon those who help our enemies!”

With a yell the soldiers agreed and were dismissed. With a sigh Itry to look for Kai. Even though we are fighting, he might need me. It was after the first offensive in Tâi Vinh Village that he changed, so I know this second attack won’t be easy for him.

It doesn’t take me long to find him. He hasn’t move from his spot. He is staring at the place where the General was, his expression pained – almost as if he was stopping himself from crying out. I wish I could hug him, but as things are now I just ask if he is okay.

Kai turns his gaze at me, but he doesn’t seem to really see me. With unsteady feet he stands up. He tries to walk in my direction, but almost falls down. I hurry and hold onto his shoulder, supporting him. His eyes are guileless and scared when he looks at me.

“They can’t do it… Sehun, they can’t attack Tâi Vinh Village. They can’t. They will kill them this time – they will kill all of them…”

To my dismay I realize that Kai is crying silent tears. He seems desperate, the way he clutches my arms, begging me to say it isn’t true, that Tâi Vinh Village can be saved. I can barely recognize this broken man beside me, holding me strongly.

“Kai…” I hug him and feel him shaking and sweating. “Everything is going to be alright. I will be next to you, I promise. You won’t have to do anything. Just stay close to me and I will take part in the offensive, you just need to close your eyes…”

“No!” Kai shrieks and pushes me away. His breath his uncontrolled and his shaking is worse. “No one can kill anyone on that village, do you listen to me? They are innocent people! Is the General crazy? Why would anyone think that they are hiding Vietcongs?”

“Calm down, Kai. Please, someone might hear you.” But Kai doesn’t seem like he will be quiet, so I walk to him and shake him strongly. “Kai, I know you don’t want to hear it, but if the General said he has inside info, it’s probably true. They might really be harboring enemies - they could kill us if we don’t do anything first.”

Kai’s legs grow weak and he falls sitting on the ground. His tears are faster now and he looks for my hand to hold it tightly.

“It’s not true. They are innocent – all of them.” Kai seems to know I will interrupt him, because he smiles sadly. “Believe me, I would know. I have been going there for a long time now, Sehun.”

I blink and try to process what he just said. How could he be going there? What for? And, more importantly, _why_? Does he know what could have happened to him if he was caught? Is he crazy?

I’m so mad that I want to hit him hard, but he is in such a state that he might shatter if I lay a finger on him. With a deep sigh, I try to calm myself. Kai is safe – besides me, no one knows of his temporary insanity. And now that I know I will just stop him from doing any more craziness.

“I won’t even say how dumb that was. Let’s just put it behind us. When you participate in the offensive, people won’t be able to guess that you have been helping those people.” But Kai is shaking his head at me. “Are you telling me that you won’t attack? Kai – are you crazy?”

With a crazed laugh, Kai slumps all the way and end up lying on the ground. He seems to be feeble and broken – just a shell of the boy I used to know. His eyes are fixed upon the targets – the ones we were supposed to think as Vietnamese people.

“Yes, I think I am crazy. But… I can’t let anyone attack Tâi Vinh Village, Sehun.” With a gulp, he turns to stare at me. His strength seems somewhat restored by his declaration of protection over Tâi Vinh Village. “ My girlfri… my _fiancée_ is in there. I don’t know how yet, but I _will_ save her.”

Kai’s bright and determinate eyes look straight at me and I can’t breathe or speak any of the thoughts running around my mind – my heart is aching too much for it. What girlfriend? What fiancée?

_What is he talking about?_

“Fiancée?” My voice is low and tentative. I don’t sound like myself, but I can’t believe what I just heard. Did Kai actually say that he has a woman over at Tâi Vinh Village?

Kai’s gaze drops from my face. He seems very embarrassed by what he just spoke.

“I met her during the offensive.” His hand is rubbing at the floor backing and forth as if he is thinking about how to justify his delusional actions. “I can’t explain exactly how things turned out like this, but… Sehun, I’m going to marry her. I am in love with her.”

For a while my brain doesn’t seem able to process any thought. The phrase _Kai loves some Vietnamese woman_ keeps popping behind my eyelids when I close my eyes to try to regain some control. A fury like no other takes hold of me.

_What of the late nights hugs and cuddles?_

_What of our growing relationship?_

_What about me?_

_What about us?_

“Are you out of your damn mind?” I want to scream, to punch him, to hurt him. But I know I can’t make a scene, there are other soldiers nearby and they could listen. So I just clench my hands and whisper.  “A woman? You have a woman in Tâi Vinh? What the fuck has gotten into you?”

I want to confront him with my feelings, but I don’t. If I talk about it, I’m sure I am going to shatter and that can’t happen now. Someone has to make Kai see sense and apparently that someone is going to be me.

“We are at war! They are the freaking enemies, Kai! How could you even think that something like that could work? What were you thinking? That you would date her and both of you would live happily ever after?”

Kai’s expression in bright with his anger and I want to laugh. What reason could he possibly have to be angry about? I’m the one who had his heart broken – I’m the only one that can be angry.

“She is not the enemy.” Kai pushes himself up and stares me down. His strength seems to have returned to defend the woman he… _loves_. He speaks calmly as if I was the foolish one for saying he is wrong in falling in love with a girl that is probably plotting his death.  “Never say that again about her. She is innocent and pure. I love her, so you better respect that.”

Kai appears the strongest I have ever seen him. His tone of voice is hard and determinated, his gestures certain and he exudes a commanding aura. What I couldn’t do in six months of war, this damning girl has done in five weeks.

My heart clenches painfully. My anger dies. My brain struggles to accept that Kai doesn’t love me – he never did and never will.

“Sehun, please. I can’t do this without you. We are a team. I know – believe me, I know it will be hard, that is kind of crazy – but I couldn’t avoid it. I can’t live without her. For all that we already being through together - will you help me, Sehun?”

I want to say no. I want to shout and kick. I want to ask how he can do this to me. But for some reason my mouth refuses to form the words and I give the only answer that I can when confronted with his shining eyes. The reply that I always have given him – since our childhood in Korea to the times he comes to me after a day of killing, asking if he can stay with me until his nightmares go away.

“Yes.”

I can almost feel my heart breaking.

 

_I’m shaking lightly when we walk to Tâi Vinh Village. It seems ironic that the reason I’m nervous on the day of my wedding is because I know that my bride and her family will probably be attacked tomorrow and not because of the ceremony itself._

_Sehun is quiet by my side, his steps slow and sure and I feel a surge of gratitude and affection for my oldest friend. I know that he doesn’t approve, but he still agreed to come with me to Cham’s house. It feels nice to have someone else to know about me and her._

_Cham’s brother opens the door to her house. He eyes Sehun with distrust, but relaxes when he realizes that Sehun is with me. With a smile he lets us in. The house is the cleanest I have ever seen, full of candles and red flowers. Cham’s mother is sitting on the middle of the room, and stands up when we came near._

_Sehun tries to speak to her, but I grab his hand and squeeze. To him this might be stupid, but for Cham is her wedding celebration. Talks of war and death can come later. Cham deserves to have a beautiful memory to hold onto._

_With a grunt Sehun shakes my hand of his and sits on the ground. I’m sure that the ceremony it’s not supposed to happen like that, since Cham’s mother stares at him with some anger. I try to diffuse the situation by bowing low to her._

_She smiles and gestures to a corner. Cham, beautiful and blushing in her traditional red dress, comes out of another room and takes my side. Things couldn’t be worse – tomorrow we may all be dead, but for the moment I’m happy._

_The ceremony is very simple – which I suspect may be for my benefit since I barely understand anything that Cham’s mother says. Cham stays by my side, smiling and holding my hand, until she bows at me and I know that we are married._

_I wish that my grandparents could have been here to see my marriage, but at least Sehun is here. Cham doesn’t know him yet, so I take her hand and lead her to him. Sehun stands up and inclines his head to look Cham in the eyes. Both only stare at each other for the longest time._

_“Cham, this friend – Sehun.” I cough and introduce him. It’s imperative that Cham trusts Sehun – he will be the key for my plan to save her work. I expect her to bow or smile, but she just keeps gazing and shaking her head. Suddenly she steps behind me, wishing for protection. I wonder what she saw in Sehun’s eyes that had her so scared._

_With a sigh I nudge Sehun. He promised me his help in this. He has to protect her too. With a sigh, he stops staring at her and looks at me. His eyes are hunted in a way that is new to me – not even when he killed his first men he looked like that, as if his entire world was lost._

_“She is very pretty.” Sehun affirms with a gruff voice, as if he was trying not to cry. “You must be happy.”_

_It’s the only thing he says the entire time we are at Cham’s house._

“It could work, don’t you think?” Kai says with a hopeful tone of voice, whispering close to me. As always my heart thuds with his nearness, but today there is a heavy feeling in me. And it has a name – _Cham._ “I mean, not one of the soldiers know about that bamboo forest, just you and me. If I can take Cham and her family there, they will be saved from the offensive.”

Kai doesn’t even wait for my agreement, just keeps talking and talking about his crazy plan; his plan to become a traitor to the country of South Korea. I don’t think he really understands what’s at stake here – what they would do to him if he is discovered. And he will be, it’s just a matter of time.

“And after?” I enquire of him, breaking his wild speech with my seriousness. He scratches his head as if he doesn’t understand my question. “After the war, what will you do?”

“That’s easy.” Kai smiles his brightest smile, the one that until today he has always reserved for me. I command my eyes not to water – this is not the time to be sentimental. Not when Kai needs to be saved. “I will take her to Korea, of course. I suppose I will have to bring her mother and brother as well, but it’s okay. You know how the soju business is demanding. We can use all the help we can get.”

I’m speechless. Does he honestly believe that it will be this easy? His grandparents would never accept Cham – a country-nobody from Vietnam as a granddaughter in law. Besides, does he think that the authorities will permit any Vietnamese to enter Korea? Doesn’t he know that war doesn’t actually end when a winner is declared – it lasts for a long time in people’s memories? No one in Korea will ever agree to his marriage, not only Cham, but he too will suffer prejudice and contempt for the rest of his life.

“It’s not as easy as you make it sound, Kai. You know that.”

“And it’s not as hard either, Sehun!” Kai’s eyes are angry. His fists are clenched and he is glaring at me. “It almost seems like you are against me. Look, just help me save them, okay? After the war I will take care of the rest.”

For the first time I realize that Kai is a dreamer. He really thinks that things will just work out. No one will know about his betrayal, his grandparents will just accept Cham and her family, Koreans will be nice to them, Cham herself will adapt in a different reality…

And dreamers don’t survive wars – they are destroyed by it.

It doesn’t really matter what I say, he won’t listen. So many things could and probably will go wrong. To think that his entire plan depends on a bamboo forest. What will happen to him? What will they do to Kai – my oldest friend, my…love? Will they hit him, shoot or torture?

Why Kai refuses to be saved and walks straight to death’s path – just for a slip of a girl, who doesn’t understand him as I do? Who will never do so?

And how can I prevent it? How can I make sure to save him? _How?_

“So, the plan is done then?” With a death breath, Kai regains his composure and his determinate expression. “Remember, I leave first and take them to the bamboo forest. Then I came back to be part of the offensive. Afterwards, you pick them up and take them back to their house. That way no one will miss any of us during the offensive or think we are doing anything different than what we should be doing.”

I stare at Kai and can’t say anything. A thought has just wormed itself into my head. A thought so terrible that it makes me sick. I wonder when war changed me so much that I can even consider doing something like that.

“Sehun? Please help me in this. You are my only friend in this place.”

And I nod.

 

_Cham’s hands are sweaty and she is shaking. Her mother wobbles and her brother runs in front of us. They trusted me so easily, when I went to their house and asked them to take their things and follow me. They didn’t bring much either. Just some pictures, food and Cham’s wedding dress._

_They are frightened and I try to remain calm for Cham. She looks at me with her dark eyes and I force a smile. She must feel safe, with nothing to fear. She has **nothing** to fear – I will save her from anyone who tries to do her harm._

_We arrive at the bamboo forest and I squat. Following my lead, they squat as well. They will hide here until Sehun comes for them. While I turn to look at my wife, a surge of gratitude pass through me for my friend. He is helping me save her – I will never forget it. I know he thinks that I don’t understand what could happen to us if we are discovered, but I do. It’s what makes his actions so moving._

_“Stay. You, mother, brother.” I tell Cham, who just stares and trembles. I wish I knew the words to explain the plan in details, to reassure her. But my Vietnamese is still pretty bad and her Korean is not much better. I tell her the other words I know, even though it makes me blush saying it in front of her mother. “I love you.”_

_Her eyes tear up and I want to kiss her, but her mother is right next to us. Suddenly she turns away to give us privacy and – before I incline my head down in Cham’s direction – Cham pushes herself up and kisses me. It’s the first time she initiates a kiss, so for a moment I just stand there, feeling her soft lips against mine, until I begin to respond. It’s the deepest kiss we have ever had and I imagine she feels justified in doing so now because we are already married._

_“Sehun come after. Stay.” I hug her again, but she doesn’t reply. After a few more kisses I stand up to leave, when Cham holds me down with force, putting her hand over my mouth. I’m confused, before I hear someone speaking Korean nearby._

_There are two soldiers from my own division, who are messing around and kicking rocks, probably trying to pass the time before the offensive. I grab Cham’s hand and squat again. I can’t leave them here alone when there are soldiers so close to the bamboo forest. They might think that Cham and her family are enemies and shoot first. It certainly seems suspect that they would know when to hide from our attack._

_With a sigh, I pray that Sehun will know that he needs to change the plan and improvise. I won’t be back for the offensive, but it doesn’t worry me all that much. In all our boyhood troubles, Sehun was always the one who covered for me and come up with the excuses. I know he will have my back this time as well._  

 

The General stares at me with his eyebrows lifted. The Captain is busy taking notes, his pen scratching the paper, marking the exact place of the bamboo forest on the map. He nods and the General dismiss me, after patting my shoulder and congratulating me for a job well done.

I feel sick. My stomach is turning and squeezing in painful ways. I wobble all the way to my mat and then fall down. There are no soldiers here – they are all preparing for the offensive. I suppose I should be there as well, to show that I’m not affected by what I just did and to receive Kai so he doesn’t suspect anything. But moving anywhere is more than what I can manage at this point.

Cham’s image keeps appearing behind my eyelids when I close my eyes. Her bright, dark eyes, her expression when she looked at Kai at her house, her smile when her mother stopped talking at that stupid ceremony… And I know – without needing to be said – that they will haunt me for the rest of my life.

A wretched sob escapes from me and I turn around, burying my face into my mat to hide my crying. It reminds me of all those times that Kai woke shaking from nightmares and I had to comfort him. He always tried to explain – that taking a life was more than what he could bare. I never truly understood him, until today. Unfortunately for me, there is no one to comfort me. There never will be again.

I have already killed so much Vietnamese it seems. At first, their faces would appear in my sleep, but with time they just blurred together and I realized that if I wanted to survive this war – and to make sure that Kai survived as well – I couldn’t have the luxury to care about them. War in not about pity, it’s about attacking, killing and wining.

Cham’s death however changed it all. It matters more than all those faceless men I maimed and murdered. She _is_ innocent. She _did_ deserve to live and be happy. Why did it have to be this way? Why Kai forced me to do this? Why must I always be the monster in all of Kai’s actions in order to save him from himself – the one stuck with all the apologies, explanations and fixing of problems?

And what I will do when Kai finds out and is forever lost to me?

Another sob finds its way out of me and I squeeze my hand over my mouth, blocking every telling sound of sadness, so that no one can hear. No one must know of my grieving over Cham’s life and the loss of Kai’s friendship. Both are over from this day forward – never to exist again.

With calmed and rhythmic breathing I manage to calm enough to try standing. I’m dizzy, my nose is running and my eyes are probably red. I try to fix myself the best that I can and leave to be together with the others soldiers. Kai must be coming back any minute now and it’s imperative that he doesn’t suspect anything.

I look over the cross that some catholic soldier hung above his mat. I don’t really have a religion and never felt the urge to pray for a higher being. But I look it over and stare at the ceiling above me – imaging the sky outside, asking for forgiveness.

_I’m really sorry that to save Kai’s life I’m ready to murder someone else._

But I guess that knowing that I would do it again if it meant that Kai would be safe (not hurt, dead or suffering) means that no higher being would ever forgive me.

 

_The soldiers left, but I don’t think it is safe to leave Cham and her family alone. The soldiers might be back during the offensive and find them. I wish I knew of some other place to hide, but none comes to mind. This place is safe, though. Sehun is the only other person who knows about it – and I know he will die before selling us out._

_Cham’s brother is crying while hugging their mother. He seems to have hurt himself when we were running over. I examine his foot and realize that he has sprained it. How could he run here and keep so silent before? He is just a child and his foot must be hurting a great deal. I try to ask it to him, but he just keeps crying silently, even after I try to fix his foot the best I can._

_“War.” Cham’s mother tells me seriously. “It’s war.”_

  _‘War’ – the first Vietnamese word I learned. I look around at all of us, dirtied faces, muddied clothes, grim faces, hiding in fear of guns and angry men when we are all innocent._

_Yes, it’s all because of this fucking war._

 

“Did you see Kai?” I ask Suho, who just shakes his head and keeps walking to take his place in the offensive. The other four soldiers that I asked haven’t seen Kai either. He is not at his designed place or at the resting area.

He is not at the camp at all.

My breath starts to fail and I begin to feel lightheaded. Kai hasn’t come back. He is… he probably his still with Cham in the bamboo forest. At the same place that I told the General and the Captain that dangerous Vietcongs were hiding.

For a moment I’m sure I’m going to pass out.

They can’t find Kai there – after what I told them he is going to be seen as a traitor and killed on the spot. The one thing that I was so afraid of will happen because of me. My eyes are watering and I’m still dizzy, but I force myself to run to the bamboo forest.

They won’t find Kai. They won’t – because I will get there first and make sure that he leaves. No one will hurt him.

I will make sure of it.

 

_We were crouching for some time when we hear a noise. I clench my gun, ready to shoot to protect Cham if needed, but then I realize that someone is calling my name urgently and quietly._

_It’s Sehun._

_I’m confused at why he would be here since it was not part of the plan and I’m quite certain that the offensive hasn’t started; at least there were no screams or pleas of mercy to be heard yet._

_Worried that something went wrong, I stand up from my position and beckon him over. He seems absurdly relieved to see me. He runs over and before I can utter a word, hugs me fiercely. I’m so surprised that I don’t return the hug. He has never done something like this before – at least not in the middle of the day._

_“What happened? Did something go wrong?” I ask, pushing him gently away. For a moment I think his eyes are wet with tears, but it must be the sun – Sehun never cries. He breaths deeply and looks me directly on the eyes._

_“You have to leave – right now. They are coming.”_

_“But… How?” I stutter. My plan seemed so foolproof. But Sehun is already pushing me to the end of the bamboo forest and I have to stick my feet in the ground, less he splits me from Cham and her family._

_“Just move!” Sehun is screaming, pushing me harder, making me lose my balance and almost fall. Cham moves over and helps me to regain my equilibrium. She stares at Sehun with deep distrust and he glares right back._

_“Don’t worry, Sehun. We will move right away.” I gulp and pretend that I have a backup plan.  I have to calm Sehun first – he is pretty much hysterical by this point, trembling and still trying to push me forward, ignoring Cham at my side. I stop his motions with a squeeze of my hand on his arm. “Breathe. We are moving.”_

_I turn to the side and squat, ready to take Cham’s brother in my arms - with his foot like that he won’t be able to walk, much less run – when Sehun says something that makes my blood run cold. With deliberating slowness I stop my motion, push myself up and stare at him._

_“Say that again. I don’t think I heard it right.”_

_Sehun is gazing at me, his eyes terribly sad. “You can’t take them, Kai. The General knows they are here. If they caught you with them, they will… Please, let’s just go. Came with me and be safe. I need you to be safe – **please**.”_

_“How can he know?” I shake my head at his words – the General couldn’t know this. Not one of the other soldiers knows about me and Cham and, more importantly, Sehun and I are the only ones who realize that this bamboo forest can be used as a hideout; I’m sure of it. “How… how did he find out? Who is the one who told him?”_

_“Kai, we don’t have time for this.” Sehun advances in my direction, ruthlessly pushing Cham out of his way to get to me. With a cry, she falls to the ground and stares at us. Her eyes shine with a new light and she seems to understand what this situation is about. Tears start fall down her cheeks. “Just leave them here and come with me.”_

_“Are you crazy?” I shove Sehun away and walk to Cham, helping her to stand. “Are you saying that I should abandon my wife and her family to die at the army hands to save myself? How can you even think that I would do something like that?”_

_“Fuck, Kai! Once in your life will you please listen to me? She is not your wife! That freaking ceremony was a farce, okay? Don’t look me like that. Do you think anyone in Korea will believe you guys are married just because her mother said some mumbo-jumbo at their house that none of us understood? Get your senses back! You have no obligation with this people whatsoever! But your grandparents! They are waiting for you. And me too… Are you really going to die for… for this damn Vietnamese?”_

_“It was you.” I whisper. The light in his eyes when he screamed his hateful speech, his anger towards Cham and her family, his rush to make me leave and let them here - I can’t believe it, but there is no other answer. My heart clenches painfully. “Was it you, Sehun? Did you tell them about Cham?”_

_Sehun was getting close to me again - determinate to push me to a safer place, but upon my question he stops. His head is hanging low and I can’t see his eyes, just the fall of his tears. Now I’m sure he is crying – maybe he is doing it since he arrived at the bamboo forest. His hands are still shaking, but he keeps walking and trying to thrust me away._

_“Why?” I grab his hand. It’s thinner than I remember - this hand that held me when I needed it, who helped me more times than I can count. His eyes are sad and frightened when he looks at me. “Why did you do it?”_

_“Kai…” He tries pushing me again, but I resist. I won’t move until I know why my oldest friend has betrayed me. “I just want you to be safe. Leave them here and go. Please. For your country, your grandparents and…me. They will be here soon.”_

_“Why?” I ask again, squeezing his hand painfully. I need this answer. “Tell me why.”_

_Sehun stares at me for a long time, before speaking._

_“For you – always for you. Don’t you know? You still don’t know that I…”With a sigh and a sad gaze, Sehun hands stops the pushing and grabs my uniform instead. “I love you, Kai. So just, please, for once in your life, save yourself!”_

_For a moment I’m shocked and don’t really know how to react. Did Sehun actually say that he loves me? When this began? Why? Did I do something to make it happen? Sehun makes use of my stupor to start pushing again. I can just stare at him in amazement._

_This whole time he loved me. It doesn’t make sense. Sehun… my closest friend. It could never be between us. I don’t enjoy men that way and there is Cham. Cham who is my wife and whom he tried to kill. And in that minute I know that even if he loves me, even then I can never forgive him._

_My anger is back tenfold. A person who loves wants his beloved to find happiness. What Sehun did wasn’t because of love – it was selfish and ugly. It wasn’t love – trying to kill an innocent woman and her family is not love; is cruelty._

_“How could you? HOW COULD YOU? You tried to kill my wife!” I crush his hand beneath my hold. I’m so angry that I’m seeing red. “And you try to tell me that it was for me – for love? You really have guts to come back here and say that! I HATE you. Do you hear me? I HATE you!”_

_And without even thinking about it my fist clench and I punch Sehun. He is unsuspecting, so he doesn’t defend himself, falling over and becoming disorientated. I’m shaking myself, wondering what I should do. My best friend has tried to kill my wife, a hoard of angry soldiers knows we are here and probably think we are the enemy… What should I do?_

_How can I protect Cham?_

_“Move.” I command Cham and her family. They seem surprised by my tone of voice, but hurry to obey. I have never ordered them around like this. Her brother struggles painfully to follow me, while Cham and her mother help him. I don’t even think in carrying him anymore. My hands need to be free to shoot when the soldiers reach us. “This way.”_

_I glance at Sehun one last time – lying down on the bamboo forest, bloodied and confused on the ground – and leave with my strange procession following me. There are weird and conflicting feelings in me (bitterness, anger, sorrow, love) but I don’t look back and keep moving forward, leaving Sehun behind._

_I finally understand when Sehun said that War changes all of us._

_It changed him and I. It destroyed our friendship and will probably kill us in the end._

_I watch Cham’s shadow on the ground in front of me and know that while it killed everything I loved most about my past, I will make sure that it doesn’t ruin my future._

The rain comes slowly.

 I feel the drops on my head and welcome the brief relief. The pain in unbearable, but the General seems to be getting tired of torturing me and will probably kill me soon. At least I will die knowing that I didn’t revealed Kai’s fugitive path.

“Still not talking, hum?” The General kicks me on the side, I have probably broken a lot of ribs and the kick hurts like a bitch. I grunt loudly, but refuse to cry out even if my eyes are wet and the pain is unbearable – I won’t give then the satisfaction of seeing me at my weakest moment; I’m going to die strong. “It seems that you need a little more incentive, right? Don’t worry; Captain Kim will be glad in giving it to you.”

 The Captain holds his bat and starts to hit me once more. It hurts and I scream and scream, but force myself not to cry. I wonder if Kai can hear me, if he pauses a little in his running to think of me, if he is sorry for all that happened. When the Captain stops, I feel like crying for the first time.

Not because of the pain, but because his body is blocking the rain from falling upon my face. I wish I could die feeling the rain – it reminds me of boyhood times, before the war, when Kai and I would swim on the creek, steal soju from his grandfather’s stash and get drunk.

The Captain moves, to take his bat again and start everything over. There is blood on my mouth and I gurgle when I try to laugh, closing my eyes to stop any leaking tears  – with his movement he stopped blocking the rain and I can feel the water falling down my face, cleaning the mud, mucus and blood.

If I could die now, feeling the rain, remembering about Kai and knowing he is safe, I could be happy. I feel my eyes heavy and know that the heavens have heard my wish. I’m finally dying. With a sigh, I close my eyes, but a kick of the General boot wake me up again from my eternal sleep.

“Just one more thing before you go, you damn traitor. About that other fucking betrayer, Soldier Kim Jong In – we will get him and those Vietcongs. The rain has allowed footsteps to form on the ground, you see? It will be easier than taking kid’s candy. And when we get them, I will kill him personally and painfully, do you hear me? Now think about that and die, traitor.”

_Kai._

I have to save Kai.

I try to push myself up to kill everyone who may do harm to Kai, but the General uses his boot to shove me to the ground and I fall with a violent and painful thud. It probably breaks more of my ribs, but that pain is nothing when I think of what could happen to Kai.

“Are you getting concerned, hum? Not to worry, I always make good on my promises. And I promise you this – you will meet him again in hell, where you all belong.”

And with a booming laugh he shoots at me.

I die crying.

**Author's Note:**

> \- First, War is a very difficult subject to write, but please bear in mind that I meant no disrespect to anyone. I did my best to make my characters believable and I hope to have succeeded. Please forgive any mistakes or offense this fic may cause.  
> this fanfic it was a real challenge and it came in a terrible moment – a lot of ideas and wishes and not much time to do it.  
> It's also important to notice that the title of this fanfic comes from the book "The Art of Racing in The Rain" by Garth Stein. The plot, however, is completly mine. Also, this fanfic is also posted on Asianfanfics.com  
> \- Although I had written Kai before in my other fic, I had never written Sehun and much less Sekai. The truth is I actually really like yaoi so my first thought was to have a romantic relationship between them. But every time I tried to write it, it was awful. They turned into weak characters and questions kept popping into my head, like: The army in South Korea would never accept a relationship like that and how would they hide it, if in the army you are always together with a bunch of other soldiers?  
> Then I had the idea to make one of them in love and the other not (which always lead to a lot of angst – which I needed). And that is when Cham character appeared. I thought to myself that if one was in love, why the other wouldn’t be? The answer was that he probably already loved someone else. So in a way this fic is Sekai (since Sehun is in love) and in a way it’s not (because Kai doesn’t love him back).  
> The issue of which war they would be in came about. At first, I wanted to simply invent one, but my beta (callmephatom - let me thank her here, actually!) convinced me to do some research and to choose an actual war that South Korea was a part in. I chose the Vietnam War. If you would like to know more about my research, you can visit the following websites:  
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_history_of_South_Korea_during_the_Vietnam_War  
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Vietnam_War  
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_wars_involving_South_Korea  
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ROK_Capital_Division#Vietnam_War  
> \- After reading more about the Vietnam War and the South Korean participation in it, I found out that several civilians massacres happened in a lot of villages by the Korean army – because the civilians were suspected of helping or hiding Vietcongs. One of those truly happened at a village called Tâi Vinh (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T%C3%A2y_Vinh_Massacre). It fitted with the plot really well – because at that time I already knew that Cham would be a Vietnamese girl. After reading more about this massacre in particular, I found a touching story about one of the villagers who had survived by hiding in a bamboo forest with her husband and young son (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/754022/Villagers-recall-S-Korean-atrocities-in-Viet-War.html?pg=all) – her name was Ho Thi Cham, and my Cham was finally born as a sort of humble homage to all the survivors.  
> And it’s also interesting to think that Kai’s bamboo forest plan could have worked, after all. He could have hidden Cham and her family until the offensive was over.  
> \- Another true fact that I decided to use was the traditional Vietnamese wedding ceremony (http://www.culture-4-travel.com/vietnamese-wedding.html). I actually made an inside joke with it - you see, before the actual wedding, Vietnamese have an engagement ceremony that usually happens at the house of the bride, with her wearing the traditional wedding dress (Ao Dai) – frequently in the color red. So when Kai thinks he is getting married, they are actually just getting engaged. So in a way, Sehun was right. Cham wasn’t Kai’s wife – at least not yet.  
> \- The end: that was hard. From the beginning I knew Sehun had to die for the plot to work. I don’t know why in my mind Sehun would be the calmest and the strongest of the two and Kai the dreamer, but it was so from the beginning (maybe it was because in my other fic Kai is a gangster and very tough so I wanted to do something different). But I was very conflicted about killing Kai and Cham – perhaps because I created her or because she had already gone through so much war and suffering; I couldn’t bring myself to write her death. At the same time, I didn’t think it would be believable for the couple to live happily ever after. So I just let that be the reader’s choice – basically you get to decide if Kai lived or not.


End file.
